I like to write in journals, I like to write because it lets me sort out my emotions. Pin point what is bothering me. I have troubles deciphering myself... But sometimes I will come back the next day and be doubtful of a previous entry... I want to delete it because when I come down from the height of that emotion... The words I wrote don't seem to make sense anymore or they're awkward. Sometimes I feel I have put too much into it, and have left myself vulnerable. I feel that way right now, unsure, insecure, susceptible to harm. I used to always do that though... even in my diaries. I would always rip out pages in my diary, afraid that someday, someone would look and wonder what the hell I was thinking when I wrote that. But I saw a little message that changed everything: Dear Future Self, please do not tear our anymore pages. I don't want to forget.
So I stopped tearing out my pages. I wrote that little message to myself 5 years ago. Truly amazing. But now my fears have been confirmed. Someone IS reading all the things I ever wrote, and she is wondering what the hell I was thinking. That someone is myself.
Emotions... are so hard to vocalize sometimes... I have been finding words to do it lately, but it is still so difficult. For example, when my friends and I are n our way home after school, they constantly ask me if I am ok. It's really frustrating. Because I really am ok. I just tell them I am tired, it's a lame, halfassed excuse but I have no other words for my silence. The thing is... I don't like to talk a lot, sometimes I just want to enjoy being in the presence of my friends. I guess that doesn't suffice for others. It makes me very content, no words can describe it. Maybe "I love you" can, but that would sound weird on a bus full of people. Sometimes silence is best... absorbing my friend's presence. That's what I like to do the most.
That's an example of one of my unexpressed moments.
I had this ugly knot in my chest when my friend revealed something to me. I couldn't describe what emotion was cuasing it at first. I had to mull it over for hours... I realized it was anxiety. I was finally able to tell her "I am worried about you". Truthfully, I still am. If she goes any further, she might ruin her life. God, she has so much potential ahead of her too.
But that's not the point, and I promised her to keep it between us.
The point was that at 17 years of age, I'm finally beginning to find words for my emotions. I used to just get upset, and then angry when no one understood my mumblings. Foolish of me really, how can anyone understand me if I don't understand myself? I'm glad that I am finally getting there.
Maybe I have been alienated from civilization for too long. Maybe the presence of other human beings is helping me. School is helping me...?