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... Homework
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... The Metamorphosis
- Franz Kafka(current)
... The Artist's Way
- Julia Cameron
... Last Sam's Cage
- David A.Poulsen (finished)
... The Sight
- David Clement Davies (finished)

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... Samhain (31/10/05
... Sister's Birthday (22/11/05)
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The WeatherPixie

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Confused. More Emo crap. An attempt to map myself.

Confused. About what? I have no clue. Everyday I think about people I care about and everyday I go through the same cycle; Concern->anger->bitterness->possesiveness-> guilt-> sadness. Everyday this cycle goes on inside my mind. I wonder if it will ever stop. My map annoys me, it's scribbled and unclear. Like a young toddler's drawing.
Concern: Concern for their well being, for our time together, for the distance between us. My dad; because he's always away. I never know what he's doing, whether he is safe and happy, or dead. I wonder if he's coming home; if he loves us enough to come home. Why does he have photos of another woman and child in his briefcase? My sister; I wonder if she'll let her boycrazy ways rule her. My mom; I wonder if she'll ever listen to what anyone else has to say. My friends; will they back me up when I do something stupid? Why do I feel replaced? Why didn't they ever call last year? When I was alone, loosing my mind with this stupid cycle. I am worrying about people who aren't worrying about me.
Anger: I hate them all for leaving me alone. I don't have to listen to anyone. They are all my enemies. Fuck you dad! I never needed you anyway! Thanks for nothing! When I grow up, I'll live alone. I won't share, I won't care. Screw you all! You never cared anyways, thanks for nothing! It's all your fault!
Bitterness: I have been abandoned. I don't owe anyone anything, since they have done nothing for me. It's all your fault that I feel this way!
Possessiveness: All that is in my possession is to stay in my possession. If anyone touches it, I will kill them. Stay away from my friends, my family, my pets, my things!! You are not allowed to look at them or touch them! THEY ARE MINE! If I mangled my dad's legs, he would have to stay home. No one would be able to have him then. He would be able to be part of our family again. If I killed his mistress, he would stay home for more than a month at a time. If I got him fired from his job, he would be home.
Guilt: Why did I say those awful things! Look at what I have done! How could I be so ungrateful? Come back to me... I'm lonely. Please don't leave me alone. I am sorry for all I have said. STUPID KAT. Why do you feel sorry for yourself?
selfish, selfish, selfish, SELFISH!!! I am not allowed to fell this way! How could I??
Sadness: I wish I were someone else. I wish I weren't here at all. I wish I could start over. Be someone new. Be someone who is not me. Why is no one here for me? I want a hug... I wish this would stop. I am tired, I am lonely, I am unloved because of who I am. I am selfish, because I am alone. I have no one, where is everyone? No one wants me, no one loves me.
I always go through this same cycle, I push everyone away with this cycle. People say: "what's wrong with you??" All I can choke out is.. "I don't know". This cycle is stupid; but it's all I feel. It's irrational, ridiculous even. I feel guilty for doing it, it's so... emo. No one cares about it. "Boohoo Emo! Go sit in your room and use your razor blades!" razor blades don't help me. I have tried it. It just launches the cycle again.
That is why I sit at a computer, leveling an impossibly hard character, and emoing in my blog. Talking about myself, talking to myself, keeping myself company. Like my bird, spammer, who sits in her cage all day. But even in her insanity and loneliness, she still rejects me for company. Maybe she doesn't know how to accept affection. We are alike, yet she rejects me.
I would be happy if someone thought something was wrong with me. I want to be special, insane, unwell. Special people get attention, sympathy, love, help, moral support. People try to understand special people because they know they are special, that they need attention.
But it's nothing special; it's just loneliness, I am so lonely. I am sad.
I am stupid for thinking these things. There is no truth in my logic.

Kat posted at 8:15 p.m..

4 Comments:

At 9:21 p.m., Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 11:36 p.m., Blogger Kat said...

Don't spam in my blog please. It's insensitive and pointless.

 
At 11:52 p.m., Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dawn Eden's Blog On: Renée's split inspirational?
ATTENTION BLOGGERS: If you would like to include "Blog On!" in your blogroll, use this permanent ... As a music and pop-culture journalist, she contributed to People, Salon, Billboard, Good Housekeeping, New York Press, the Village Voice, and Mojo.
I'm glad I ran across your blog. It's very good. I like it.

Sonny M.

I have a related site that focuses on clinical depression you may like too...It pretty much covers clinical depression related stuff.

Come and check it out if you get time :-)

 
At 11:52 p.m., Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 

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Me


Name: Kat
Home: Alberta, Canada
About Me: To my knowledge, Harum-scarum means reckless.I play a lvl 97 Alchemist on the iRO chaos server. Currently soul searching, trying to understand who I am. I'm shy, quiet; which tends to leave me feeling lonely. This is my last year of highschool before real life begins... I couldn't be less prepared for it.
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