To Do list

... Homework
... Get fit
... Do well in School
... Find a Companion
... Get to lvl 99!
... Become Creator Class on RO

Reading List

... The Metamorphosis
- Franz Kafka(current)
... The Artist's Way
- Julia Cameron
... Last Sam's Cage
- David A.Poulsen (finished)
... The Sight
- David Clement Davies (finished)

Upcoming Events

... Samhain (31/10/05
... Sister's Birthday (22/11/05)
... Trip to Africa (??/??/??)

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... NarutoFan
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... My Guild
... Character Simulator

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The WeatherPixie

Monday, October 03, 2005

Monday... Skipped!

Stayed home today, felt like total crap. My stomach was aching, I was aching. The silence at home is nice. There was a toddler in the house all weekend. He was a child of one of my mother's clients. A little African American kid. It looks like he will be a soccer player; he always has a soccer ball in his hand. This weekend was stressful; mom wanted me to watch him. Silly mother. Do I look like I know a damn thing about children. I spend 3 hrs after school washing the daycare's floors and the dishes for $15 a day. That does not make me qualified to care for children. I don't mind the cleaning, it is peaceful and easy. I think a lot and vent a lot while I clean. Think of where I am going to end up, why I am the way I am now. I play blame games and hate games. I worry, I cry, I get angry, I calm down, I come up with a revelation, I forget.
cleaning is stressful.
Why did I skip school today?
I wasn't feeling well...? Today's a Day A. Nothing good happens on a day A; I go to school. That is all. Chem in the morning, then a spare, lunch comes next. After lunch I go to Physics class, then English. Iris isn't with us in the morning anymore. I once asked her why she went earlier than us. "For fun" She said. Fun. We're not fun? I guess not. Krystal and I have been sullen lately. Krystal admitted that she was grumpy, and I do too. Iris has abandoned us to go play with someone more fun. She can't seem to handle our ways, so she adds more friends to fill the gaps. Broken toys have no use; so you can just go out and buy new ones. Ignore them, run away until they fix themselves!~
I like day B. It is the same schedule as day A but, I have a spare with Krystal. We talk about many things: Religion, philosophy, anime, neopets, Ragnarok, ourselves... so many things! It makes me happy. I can go to school for that, I can live for that. Iris said she might hang out with us on day Bs too, making them all the better. We will see tomorrow...
I wish I had someone to talk to. I would talk to my mother, but I don't trust her. I don't like her voice. I don't like her views. I don't trust her because she lies. They're subtle lies, ones that come back later and chew off your face! My father is in Africa. Even if he was here, I would never trust him. He has hurt me too many times to be trusted. My sister cares only about her crushes, I don't want to hear about them again today. Why don't I tell my friends? I can't put anything into words.. verbalizing is so hard. I cry when I try to talk about my feelings...
I don't take anything anyone says seriously anyways. No one has ever told me truths. I can't trust anyone.
So... What do I live for?
Love and Praise... I am searching for them.
I don't get either of those. When I tried... I never go either of those things...
I am looking for those. In grade 10 I had the highest math 10 pure mark in my class! I got 91% on my midterm! I was so happy! I went home and told my mother.
"Ah. Cool."
...
That's all?
I told my friends.
"Ah."
...
I told my dad,
No reply...
I died that day.
I've always wanted to become an engineer or a scientist, biologist or a doctor! But... I don't have any reason to. You... can't not be there for someone.. and then be there for them in the end when they have succeeded. To pop in and out... It doesn't work. It's so... lonely. It's demoralizing. It doesn't work. It's not working for me. I will not succeed alone. I need my father, mother... everyone to come home, tell me they loves me, that they're proud of me, that they believe in me. I need love, I need praise, I need hugs.
But...
No one is here, no one will be here. Why am I still here? Why am I still waiting?

Kat posted at 10:47 a.m..

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Me


Name: Kat
Home: Alberta, Canada
About Me: To my knowledge, Harum-scarum means reckless.I play a lvl 97 Alchemist on the iRO chaos server. Currently soul searching, trying to understand who I am. I'm shy, quiet; which tends to leave me feeling lonely. This is my last year of highschool before real life begins... I couldn't be less prepared for it.
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